A reader writes:

I’m estranged from my father, who was a truly terrible emotional abuser — maybe physical too, if you consider “kick child out of car for turning the volume down during a good song so now he has to walk home along the highway for an hour” child endangerment. We haven’t spoken in years. However, he is a beloved public figure — real national treasure, strangers recognize him on the street.

I get a lot of people, including my coworkers or industry contacts, coming up to me, delighted, wanting to send him regards. Many have some kind of connection to him from years ago.

Once I tried saying “actually, we’re estranged” and I may as well have thrown ice water over the lady. It’s a lot to drop on an unsuspecting fan. But I find it infuriating that when I quickly change the subject, I am coming across as cold and blunt. Feels like my reputation takes an unfair hit no matter what I say.

Here’s the real problem. What should I do about the huge upcoming awards evening where, irony upon irony, we are BOTH finalists (in different categories)? The organizers and media will love the “look, father and son!” angle, mention it on stage, want to take a pic, etc.

I refuse to take a picture or share a table with him. But emailing the organizers may frame me as the drama-stirrer attacking a famous man’s spotless reputation. I suppose I could miss the event. But why should I have to? This is all so unfair. Any suggestions?

I’m so sorry, what an awful situation. It’s bad enough to have an abusive family member; it adds a whole additional layer of trauma when the world loves the person, doesn’t see who they really are, and thinks you’re incredibly lucky to be associated with them.

The onus is not on you to find a way to make this comfortable for other people. You should do what you’re most comfortable with, which means that you don’t need to hide who your father is if you’d prefer not to. But if it’s most comfortable for you to keep things low-key, one line you could try in social situations is “We’re not close.” Or, “We’ve never been close.” That says quite a bit without going all the way to “we’re estranged.”

For the upcoming awards event: Would you be comfortable contacting the organizers and saying, “My father and I aren’t close and I would like to sit at a different table from him”? You could also say, “I’m requesting that you not plan any joint photos” if you’re concerned about that. In fact, if you have an agent or other rep, this is something they can and should handle for you, and can probably do it with a reasonable amount of delicacy.

I wonder too, if you can bring a guest who will run interference for you — someone who will keep an eye on where your father is and steer you away from him if needed and so forth. You should also decide ahead of time how you’ll respond if you’re asked to do a joint photo so that you’re not having to come up with a response on the fly. One option is a brisk, “No thanks!” You don’t need to explain why, and if people draw their own conclusions, so be it.

None of this should come across as you being a drama-stirrer trying to besmirch a famous man’s reputation. You’ll just be calmly and non-dramatically conveying your boundaries without any commentary on him.

I think you’re worried that there’s no way to maintain these boundaries without revealing your feelings about your father; you feel like the requests themselves will reveal all, because of what you know they’re rooted in. But remember that families are complicated in so many different ways, and a much less fraught situation could lead to someone making these requests too.