A reader writes:
I started a part-time voluntary position a couple of months ago. There are reporting lines, annual appraisals, etc. just the same as a regular job and it’s in a very niche area which closely matches my field, a rare opportunity! In a lot of ways my new manager is excellent — she’s experienced, committed to career growth of her team, etc. I am excited to work with her! However, I’ve had a few interesting conversations and would like your advice.
First, on three separate occasions, she has said that if I commit fraud one day, she’ll be penalized in her career, go to jail, etc. but that “she’s willing to take that risk to help me achieve my dreams.” These are long conversations so it is not misplaced humor. I went through an extensive background checking process before being accepted for the position and I’ve previously worked in highly sensitive areas that require integrity and reliability. I don’t want to get drawn into justifying my background or intentions, but I do want to resolve what seems to be a concern on her part so that we can move forward.
Secondly, I am excited about what I can bring to this position and have asked how I can support her career or objectives. She had to go through a lot of admin to bring me on board, and I want to return something back to her too. She’s insistent that all she wants is for me to have a good experience and there is nothing I can provide for her in return. (I accept that we are in different life situations and that this may be correct, so my plan is to create opportunities for more junior staff who do not have the same opportunities as the managers.) We’ve had this same conversation several times too and I find her statements awkward because it feels like it is creating an obligation that I can never repay, and that I am being asked to repeatedly express my gratitude.
I respect my manager as a leader and want to work well with her, so I would value some advice. What could be the thought processes and motivations behind a manager making these types of statements? How can I respect and acknowledge her viewpoints and concerns while closing out these types of conversations, especially the ones that question my integrity and reliability?
Well, don’t commit fraud, obviously!
I’m sure you don’t need to be told that, and it’s really odd that she’s brought it up three times. It likely has nothing to do with you — maybe she’s an anxious person, or she heard about that happening to someone else, or who knows what. I doubt it’s that you’re coming across suspiciously!
If she had just said it once, I’d write it off as just a random awkward moment. But bringing it up three separate times is sufficiently weird that you should ask her about it. For example, you could say, “You’ve mentioned several times that if I commit fraud one day, you’d be penalized. Is there something I’ve done that’s worried you about my ethics? It’s so far from anything I’d ever do and I’m concerned I’ve somehow given you the impression you need to worry about that.”
On the second point, about wanting to repay your manager in some way: I think your framing is wrong here. She presumably went through a lot of administrative work to bring you on board because she judged that it would be useful to her and/or the organization to do that, not because she was doing you a favor. That’s how hiring works, even for volunteer positions: both sides benefit, and there’s no debt incurred. (Actually, with volunteer positions, if anything it’s in the other direction; they should be grateful to you.) The only thing you owe her is conscientious work while you’re there. There’s nothing to repay.
I do want to know what’s making you feel that you’re being asked to repeatedly express gratitude. Is that because your manager keeps referring to how much work she had to do to bring you on? Or do you feel like that’s all you can offer if she won’t let you repay her in some other way? If it’s the first option — she keeps seeking out your gratitude — that’s inappropriate and you should internally roll your eyes and ignore it. But if it’s something being internally generated by you, I refer you back to the previous paragraph! You don’t need to repeatedly express gratitude for being hired (and most managers would find it uncomfortable if you did; if yours seems to want it, that’s a problem).