A reader writes:
I’ve just gone through a long interview process for a job I was referred to a while back. I have not been actively applying for jobs because I am pregnant but this one came to me. During the process, I realized this is the best job I’ve ever been considered for — both in regards to the work itself and the compensation — and I felt I had to take it if offered.
I did not disclose my pregnancy until after I got a verbal offer. The hiring manager freaked out — not so much in an angry way but more in a very stressed out way. Apparently, they’ve been grossly understaffed for a very long time and my maternity leave (company policy is to give five months fully paid despite me being new) will be a huge burden. He said some pretty offensive, sexist things:
• “I would’ve been pissed if I’d met you in person and saw your were about to pop.”
• “You should’ve told me this to begin with.”
• “I won’t hold a grudge. I would have lied to get this job too.”
• “We’ll just have to think this over and maybe revisit this job offer in a year.”
• “What, do you think you’re gonna have a six-month-old at home and just be like ‘See ya! Be back in 4 days’?” This job does require a fair amount of travel, but I have done this work for some time and I already have a child. I did this when he was a newborn too.
• In response to my saying I feel I’m in a tough spot and my husband will need paternity leave too although this has not affected his career advancement, he told me that he never took any parental leave for any of his eight (!) children.This is in addition to repeatedly reiterating how overstretched and busy the team has been. He also tried to assure me that a job offer is binding and that if I just tell HR that I’d like to start in one year, they would be forced to hold the job for me since it would be signed by the CEO. He also said it WOULD NOT be binding for me. He was trying to get me to reach out to them myself and request this. This honestly would have been preferable to me as my current company gives longer maternity leave. However, I obviously did not trust him about a binding job offer. I think I’d have been okay with a little uncertainty on that, but he just seemed so full of it. I did consult with an employment attorney, who basically said I cannot sue when they did not actually rescind the offer.
Shortly after I spoke with him at length, talent acquisition called to tell me how excited they are for me to start immediately and seemed very confused when I explained the hiring manager does not want me to start immediately. I also told her I cannot see myself working under this manager. I assumed they already somewhat knew of the situation, but I think that was wrong.
Anyway, the company’s reaction was swift. The VP called me several times from his European vacation, immediately committed to move me under a different manager, and came up with a plan to arrange the departments so this won’t look weird. I met with the other manager and she seems lovely. She’s a mom too, which is great.
I’ve now accepted the job and given notice to my current employer, but my stomach is in knots about it. I’m terrified that everyone is going to hate me from day one because of what this guy has told them about how I “lied.” I’m also really wrestling with how to report the full context of what happened to HR. Any advice or a script for HR would be most appreciated. I’ve never accepted a job under such fraught conditions.
Whoa, this guy is unhinged — and the reason the VP called multiple times from his European vacation is that the company knows he put them in legal jeopardy, as well as just making the company look terrible. I can almost guarantee you that someone had Serious Words with him. (And yes, your attorney said you couldn’t sue unless they revoked the offer — but if you had started working there and experienced other forms of pregnancy discrimination or sex discrimination, the manager’s comments to you absolutely would have made legal action at that point significantly easier.)
Also, the hiring manager’s claim that job offers are “binding” was 100% false. Offers can be revoked at any time, as long as it’s not for an illegal reason (like that you’re pregnant).
People are very unlikely to hate you because this manager told them you “lied.” Anyone with any sense knows that you’re not obligated to disclose you’re pregnant when you’re interviewing, and that women have very good reasons for not disclosing it (this manager being exhibit #1). It also sounds extremely likely that the company will have schooled everyone involved about pregnancy discrimination and their legal obligations to ensure that you don’t face any hostility over it. (In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if your new manager makes a point of ensuring it’s clear that they don’t harbor ill will toward you over it.)
You also didn’t act in any way aggressively here! When the talent acquisition person called you, all you said was that it seemed like the hiring manager would prefer you start in a year; you were pretty low-key about it! You would have had every right to take a more assertive approach, and the company knows that; the fact that you didn’t do that is likely to be helpful in terms of relationship-building when you start. (And yes, it is messed up that that’s the case; standing up to discrimination shouldn’t make relationship-building at a new job harder, but in reality it sometimes can. In your case, they’re probably quite aware that you gave them more grace than you had to.)
Regarding reporting the full context of what happened to HR: all else being equal, I’d probably wait until you’ve been there a couple of weeks and have seen how things are going and then check in with them. Hopefully you’ll be able to tell them that everything is going great with the new team, and then say that you want to fill them in on your conversation with the original manager, “since it seems like something you should know for other pregnant hires in the future.”
I’m sorry this happened, and I strongly suspect that after you’ve been working there for a while, you’re going to find out this guy sucks in other ways too … and I wouldn’t be surprised if your new colleagues already know it.